november

salam, bismillah. wow, 5 months. that’s how long it has been since i was last here.

between june and november, many things happened. summer; friends and family visiting, summer trips, starting a new rotation (the dreaded obs and gynae) and enjoying it later on :p, birthday, revisions and exams, health matters, flying home for a bit and now just the final sprint and tidying things off before 2024 comes.

december is a dreaded yet awaited month, and i’m pretty sure the next few weeks will fly by quick before we hit 2024. so many things to do yet so little time, and the cold weather isn’t really helping tbh. it’s pretty to see, it’s dry unlike wet, but the cold just made me want to stay under my duvet and never come out.

Grow

i suppose you can never run from growing up, but trust me, not everyone grows up with time as they should. often I have to deal with ‘children’ who embodies adult bodies. tiring sometimes I must say, but I frowned upon my lost of patience when dealing these children when I am myself tired.

i suppose i may have not grown so much myself, or i may have unresolved issues myself which i left aside previously untouched/saved aside for later. darling, you can only park it aside for ever so long. these beasts need taming eventually.

Sabr

hmm sabr has been tested a lot recently and it is still ongoing. maybe i’m tired/stressed/frustrated myself. sometimes i forgot sabr is during the first hit. not the third or fourth. i don’t know. maybe i am getting used to everything. so used to not wanting to bother anyone. so used to doing everything myself and not relying on others because i’ve been let down so many times. sometimes i can’t avoid it, as i have no means of doing certain things, but then when being let down, i had to take things under hand and not relying on anyone. often i don’t like this feeling, when i trust no one but myself. i don’t like it, when i shut up so not to bother anyone. i don’t like it, when i think i’m a nuisance.

i don’t know, what kinda phase of life is this?

Quiet

Bottom line is, I need to lower down my expectations. Be more forgiving. Listen more than I talk. Forgive more. Vibrate lower. Take time. Pray more. Reflect more. Meditate more. Read more. What I am seeing is normal, I probably haven’t mingled with enough humans previously to appreciate the normality of this. I should keep quiet when I have nothing better to say. I should.

Use the quiet time wisely. I read somewhere that says human, even your loved ones will not always be there to listen to you, but He does. Maybe I am the one who wasn’t online and connecting myself. Sigh.

Done

Into my third week since I fly back from Malaysia, and still jetlagged as a fish.

9pm and calling it a night.

Till then

To my child self

Saw this the other day, and I thought it’d be good to write on.

Close your eyes and imagine the door to your childhood bedroom.

Go in and imagine sitting with your child self, tell him/her everything you needed to hear as a child (but didn’t).

I’d say these would be the things I’d tell the baby Nur/kid Nur/teenage Nur. Ere we goooo

1. You might be able to get everything you worked hard for, but you won’t necessarily get them all for different reasons. Sometimes it just doesn’t work that way, sometimes it is not meant to be yours, sometimes the timing is not right, but above all you should understand that if it is meant for you, nothing can stop it from happening. There is a higher power than you and everyone, and that is God.

2. I know you want to be happy, but to be eternally happy isn’t a reality of this world. The eternal happiness belongs in the Hereafter, not here. This life here, has ups and down, and there’s reasons why God let you feel pain, sadness alongside happiness. Believe that.

3. Where you come from, what’s your family, how your siblings and parents like aren’t your control. It’s already written beyond time, you can’t change it nor be ungrateful about it. This is what you have, this is your gift and you learn to live with it. Nothing happen without any reason and be sure to be grateful. No one’s perfect, but if you look at things carefully, you would understand and always be grateful of His beautiful plans and designs.

4. Sometimes you’d feel that life is so hard that you just want to quit and disappear. I think that’s a normal thought but darling listen, you only live once. And this life is the shorter and imperfect one, compared to the Hereafter. Don’t give up, give today your best and if you live for tomorrow I hope it’s the better one for you ❤️

5. You will meet different kind of people in this world. Some good, some bad, some you’re not affected by. Trust me, everyone you meet are destined to be for different reasons in your life. I hope you realise that nobody lives and stays forever, but appreciate them when they’re around. Look after yourself, but never hold grudges. Forgive. We don’t live that long.

Just listen, and remember these Nur.

More catchup in tomorrows nights love.

Love,

So called adult N

to be or not to be

It’s midyear, I wanna say midsummer but it had only just started.

Emotions running wild, the words in my head are running fast and feelings get unclarified, unjustified.

Sunrise and sunsets alternate, days passes and yet I still wonder what am I doing and what for. The meanings get blurry, the aims get shaky and the final destination seems distant and unattainable.

A reset is due.

N

my happy place

salam

as the weather changes, the sun shines brighter and days getting longer, so does my sanity and mental health state, lol

maybe i am a beach person. or water person.

i miss the beach. the sun. the sand. the green. the smiles. the running round. the jog by the beach. the sunrise. the sunset. the waves approaching. the whole of it.

i may not be able to go back to Eastbourne to enjoy it all again, but I hope Penang will make me feel at home again.

as it has always been home.

not too long I hope, as March approaches.

still secretly hoping it will be summer all year in England, as I said, HOPE. hahah.

take care,

N

thank you

bismillah. assalamualaikum.

tbh, 2022 had been a rollercoaster.

i started off 2022 indeed after being discharged from hospital and funny enough, am starting 2023 pretty much around the same circumstances. for better or for worse, alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli hal. i dare believe everything did happen for a reason.

tbh, so many things happened in 2022. and for everything that has happened, I accepted it wholeheartedly that it was meant to be, as they were things and processes that I had to go through before I reach to the point of where I am today.

so much developments in personal growth – physical health and stability, career development, emotional growth, relationships maturity and self care, stronger bond with family, choosing enemies and those who are dear to me – which sadly includes some unavoidable cutting offs in my social circle. most importantly, i learnt so much more about myself and I had finally been able to let the universe/God work around me rather than keeping up with my stubbornness. knowing myself, that’s a big unlock.

there’s also always the spiritual journey of being closer to Him, and i’m happy with where things are at the moment. inshaallah things are on track and i hope will keep on being so and even better.

i’ve let ships sank, rivers flowed, birds flew and flames burnt so much this year that I finally see what He wanted me to see.

and i couldn’t ask for more, or any better.

i am ever so grateful and i thank Him for that, and everyone around me who directly or indirectly involved in all of these.

i don’t hold grudges, i dare doing so. tomorrow might be my last day and i really don’t want to be in that state. i forgive, and am thankful for everything. as i hoped anyone i’ve wronged would’ve forgiven me too.

in this moment in time, i am content. at peace. so calm. bliss. feeling blessed. and i hope it will always be this way. well i mean ofcourse life’s not mundane, surely there’ll be challenges and ups and downs but i hope, we’ll get through it all smoothly. 🙂

i am grateful. and i thank Him, for all the blessings He bestowed on me, directly or indirectly, seen or unseen, all the proceedings or rejections behind the door that I didn’t know but He does. The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful. Nobody plans and arranges better than You.

i feel so little and helpless as His servant, but i can’t help but admire His greatness.

may I always stay on the right path, being kept on the right path and that He forgives my sins, of my families and those dearest to me.

—

2023 will be a big year, yet i can already feel it will fly by very quickly.

so much more of personal milestones to be ticked off; of exams, more leadership/management stuffs, career growth and development, finances, relationships…

but i do look forward to it. most importantly i gotta be physically and mentally strong for it, and finding the right balance is key surely.

la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah.

bismillah. welcome 2023. *wink*

may we all keep becoming the better person today than yesterday.

and it’s time for spring cleaning.

N

2023

27/11/22

Double entries, for a first.

Just wanted to look forward some important dates to come:

the shortest day of year – 24 days to come/7.5 weeks (21st Dec)

1st day of spring – 113 days/16 weeks (20th March)

1st day of Ramadan – 115 days/16.5 weeks (22th March)

Eid Fitri – 144 days/20.5 weeks (20th April)

Just gonna end 2022 in good spirit and may 2023 be a better year for us all.

(Procrastinating at its best, I have some presentation to finish up today)

Ameen inshaAllah

Oh, and another 1.5 weeks to finish my first GP rotation!

N

2022

27/11/22

The past two years had been difficult, tbh. Nov 2020-Nov 2022.

Life had been up and down. Met some people, gained new friends, lost some friends, loved, lost it.

Had a halt in career and personal growth, fighting few things so hard I never imagined I would’ve gone through.

Explored things about myself of course, and accepting, embracing and growing from it.

Realised so many things. There’s a lot of healing work needs doing.

Accepting there are things I can control and many things I can’t control and not everything will always go your way.

Trials and tribulations that’s trying to tell me how I am not good enough all the time but deep down I have my self-worth.

At this point in time, I don’t see myself settling down with anyone. Actually I have already seen this coming for a while now.

Caving down and defencing up. Ought to be deeply untouchable.

Shall focus on myself, family, closest friends.

I won’t bother looking for love, tbh I don’t even know what love is in fact.

I am just not made to be settling down with anyone.

Till then.

N

we never learn

Salam, hi.

I feel like I’m only spending time here maybe every half a year or something. lol. for better or for worse.

I feel like sometimes we never learn, or me, only learning things the hardest way. for better or for worse. hard to say for sure. hmm

I’m already 31. haha. already feeling old. my grey hairs are not hiding anymore. I’m seeing more of it as each day passes. but that’s okay. it is what is it and this is, my lovely people, life.

I really wanted to say that nothing stays, everything changing ever so often, but funny enough, I can’t really complain about it. Darling, sorry to say but this is life. What is life without change. If nothing changes at all, it means time has stopped for you and actually, you’re dead.

I felt funny reading my last entry. Single forever, lol. Hahahahaha. I met so many people after that, even did something I never should have and now as I said, I always learn things the hard way.

But I suppose that’s the last, and I’m happy to see the person I am today than myself a year ago. I don’t keep the ships afloat anymore mate, if you wanna sink, so be it. If you wanna walk out, I’ll gladly keep the door wide open for you.

I’ll keep my energy to myself, my family and friends who are in my circle. I’ll keep it small, because people are so fake these days.

People are unfortunately selfish, and reckless.

2022 is ending soon. Not long. Another 6 weeks to go. 3 weeks before I finish my GP training and route back to Cardiology.

Hmmmm…so many things to say. I’ll focus for now, and get back here later when I get the chance InshaAllah.

May Allah guide and guard us always.

N

May 22

Assalamualaikum and hi.

Tbh, I’m actually at work. 5 hours into the shift and I’ve done 90% of the jobs I needed to do for my patients. I don’t usually write at work but today’s an exception.

I know, the blog is dusty. Honestly, can’t be bothered. I have a life to manage. A life I try to keep busy with.

Obv since I was last here many things had happened. For better or for worse, I choose to keep most stories to myself. There’s no need to be explaining to others, to be proud of what happened or to announce to the world of my victories and failures.

But today especially, is the day that I think I had enough.

Gonna put focus 300% on myself and my family. Friends. Work. Allah.

I’m not even sure what love and dating is anymore.

I’m gonna be happy single forever. No questions.

Till then.

And another

Salam and hi.

It’s been about 5 months since I was here. Life has been doing its job – keeping me busy and preoccupied.

A lot of things has happened and changed, as always.

I wrote this to commemorate the day when something I let go came back to me wholeheartedly. Something that was hard for me to let go, but I did and it has came back running to me beautifully.

There is always truth in the saying of ‘if it’s meant for you, even if it travel the distance of the world, it will always come back to you if it is meant to be yours’.

I am grateful for everything that has happened in the past year, taught me many lessons about life and the reality of it.

It ain’t easy and beautiful and perfect as it’s not meant to be that way.

The home is Jannah.

We could taste a bit of Jannah here down on Earth however it will be nothing comparable to Jannah.

I know that nothing is temporary here. But for what I have, for what I could have on this Earth (that He entitled me so), I will accept it and appreciate it. I am sure that I am not entitled for everything (actually not even entitled for anything), but you get what I mean – but if its not meant to me, I will inshaAllah be at peace with it.

Alhamdulillah.

0916hrs

Stoke on Trent

And half a year after that

Bismillah. Salam.

Taking time to spend here and sitting still to ponder open things and write it down quietly seems too daunting of a task.

I did secretly promised to myself that I should be spending more time here and write but we can only plan looks like.

I had COVID in January, bad, terrible things happened to me in February, March is the month where I love myself more than ever and when I met someone I really care about. April has been a mix of great things but also a month of departure and new beginnings. May, is the month of buds where everything just starts to grow through the strong mud, through to reach the beautiful sunlight.

My life is never an easy one. Always learnt it the hard way. Its never always rainbows and butterflies. You get out from a lion’s mouth only to get into another. One after another.

The search for love and happiness is never ending. I have been unlucky, I think that’s the conclusion. Some people know, most people just don’t. I’ve given up before, might it happen again? God knows.

Maybe I’ll never get love and be happy in this world. Maybe for me, He has destined that my place is up there. I pray that he forgives my sins through and through so I’ll get to taste it up there. I hope.

Being alone, doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m okay. I’m content with myself. 6 months ago, I couldn’t do it. I thank everyone who has been in my journey of seeking my own life. You’ll never be missed.

Why do I love so hard. I love so hard that my love always exceeds the other party involved. I don’t know if they really deserve it but I have so much to give. I am giving it to the wrong people? God knows. God knows. I wish they at least love me the same if not more. I wish.

I made mistakes, I sin. Everyday I will say the same du’a over and over again, and I promise to continue doing so until the end of my breath. Part of me just wanted to go, as sometimes I feel like I had enough. Enough bs. I’m not proud, but I say it out loud so I’ll remember I once said this to myself.

Nothings easy. As life goes on and you grow older, you will very soon realise that it never is easy. If it is then it won’t be fair. If it’s easy it’s a blessing and also a test, and the same if its difficult anyway.

Compromises. The old me is not a compromiser. I’ll always choose myself and walk away easily once things are obvious to me. I have made so much compromise since last year. For better or for you, I am learning and hopefully will soon find out.

Deep thinking station here it is. I know I could write more, but I should spend sometime reading. I know nobody read my blog, but if you do, I hope Allah bless you in this world and also hereafter.

Assalamualaikum

Decembre

2020’s coming to an end. What at end of the year.

6 months has passed and the term’s expiring. Goodbye is around the corner. Self-loving proves fundamental now than it has ever been. Great times. Firsts and lasts. But it has to happen. Thanks for the love though.

I reflected a lot during these 4 hours journeys back and forth Ebo-Stoke. Countless times, but for 2 months I did surely. It’s difficult, but it is happening.

I regretted taking this job, when I took it for listening to others. I promise myself I should have never done it and always listen to myself and do things that make me happy in my own terms. I wish I can turn back time, but unfortunately that’s not how it works isn’t it. I wish I can just leave and walk away. But I can’t. What I’ll do, I’ll do my best, cherish and finish the year, then I’m done staying here. Next stop might be back in Midlands or Wales actually.

Personally, I felt like I have stopped growing for a while. I had been insistent on keeping the time still and stay here for a while as I don’t want it to move on. Or I don’t want to move on.

Missing home doesn’t crumble me yet, or maybe the reality doesn’t hit me yet. I had been so busy with work and my personal life roller-coaster that I haven’t had chance to chill anyway. I’m on 2 weeks of AL. Spending the whole of it in the UK for the first time ever.

I missed Cardiff. Cardiff is always home. To go back for training is a good idea. But I don’t want to go there to run. I’m done running in my life. I will go to places I please because I wanted to be there. Not that I’m running from anywhere or anyone.

2020 sees my life change so much. Major stuffs happened this year. Big big stuffs. There will be more to come but I shall not worry about what’s coming and shall just be my very best and love myself the most.

I need to study for a test, read my 2 subjects and read for another exam. I need to be better. Nur is the best. Nur will ace it. Nur will be okay.

To more self loving, self respect and self care. Hope 2021 brings a better you and more good things to come. Be positive. You’re doing great.